To The Boy Who I Have Loved For Almost Three Years,

              I promised myself that it was the last poem that I will ever write about you. And finally, this is the last, the very last letter that I will ever write to you. I know that this will never reach you, but maybe if I gather up the courage to let you know about my last words, about this letter, I can finally let you know about it. I am truly sorry if I never told you this personally, but after all this time, I never had gotten to tell you anything personally. I guess that is the sad truth.

             Don’t worry, I won’t make you come back into my arms for we have loved each other truly until one day…I stopped feeling the passion that we both had exchanged. I hope you are finally happy now. I believe we both had different paths to take and that sadly, even if you do believe that loving someone for the first time can lead until the last time, we were never ready to be stable.

               But you taught me so much from our mistakes. You taught me that I should never put so much into someone, and that I should always rely on myself. In times that you were gone, and that I had to wake up knowing that you aren’t there for me, I realised that I had so much potential. I never had any regrets of letting you go because I grew beautifully and that I still believe that this will happen to you. In the darkness, I had always found light. Your absence has taught me independence and that you had always had these flaws but I had learned to love them all. Truth be told, I always knew there was someone else better than me to love you. I hope that you’ll find her, and if she isn’t around yet, I swear to God, she’s on her way. She’ll never wake up and leave you. She’s never gonna get tired of you.

                I am so sorry for leaving you when everything in your life has fallen into pieces. I never knew. You were always the type of man who held it in, and there were times you never told me. This was one of them.

               What broke us off was the feeling of our toxic relationship. I always believed that if there are people holding you back, you must let them go. I am so sorry for not fixing this with you, but then you already let me go before we can fix anything. Looking back, it always seemed like I was always sad and problematic. But it is all in the past.

                I hope you are happy. Thank you for being the one to knock some sense in me for most of the time. I know we had realised our faults and that soon enough, we must let this go.

                I am letting this go.

                Maybe in some other time, we will both cross paths and talk about how things went so well after us.

                 I hope she is happy with you. I hope you are happy with her.

                 If you are reading this and she isn’t here yet, please do not give up. She will be there. She is just taking her time.

                 And God, if she loves you more than I had loved you, do not let her go. If she makes you smile ear to ear, and if she still accepts you wholly, never think twice. You deserve a lot in this world, and I have never continued giving all to you. This letter is a wrap-up to everything else and I hope you’ll understand why I had to leave without letting you fix this with me. I just hope you have been understanding until the end.

                  Goodbye.

Writer’s Block ft. Thoughts on You

You see, you get me going.

For the nth time.

C’mon, let’s be real. I’m just another girl you fell for and with all your chivalrous thoughts and to do the nicest things that no one has ever really done for me, that’s something.

But then, you’re just another guy (or so I try to say) that made me stop writing about various things on life like how the world should look under the microscope to see the tiniest, important parts of humanity. Or how much of a failure I have been for the past couple of months. You’re the main reason why I can’t do my work properly, because you’re always on my mind.

How could you? Your presence still lingers even though we haven’t seen each other for more than a week. I know this because it’s already three am in the morning and I know that you’ve fallen asleep with your coffee stained breath and good dreams, but I’m still wide awake thinking about the possibilities that maybe I’ve fallen too hard to even say that I just “like” you.

I’m supposed to be halfway through my work, but you’re still on my goddamned mind. I can’t stop thinking about the way you smile, like it’s going to make the world a whole better place. How your jokes seem to be the only ones who brighten other people’s day. The way you’re always smart but we always manage to talk about the most random things. With your ironic “I’m not really good at writing” features and how your words prove that wrong, I have completely lost it.

Because I can’t write about other stuff other than you. (You need to get going, I really can’t do much.)

Because I try to put you into my words like they’re supposed to stay forever. (And I was just hoping that you would too.)

And that all of these nonsensical phrases will try to convey you one thing.

That you are just (the last) writer’s block I’ll ever have.

But I’ll keep on writing (about you.)

You do not live in me anymore. The foundation of you has turned into ashes and the furnitures were caught up in the tsunami months ago. The hope and future of you and I does not exist anymore. This poem will be the last of you.

You do not live in me anymore. Back then I could remember your voice well like I was programmed to, but right now I barely even know. I let you go in the swiftest way possible, but you can’t seem to do the same way. Back then, I could remember how you seem to – no, you knew me so well that my silences were known for my crying and you knew my breathing too well. I do not miss the nights that only you and I only know. I do not miss anything that has to do with you and I. I make sure that the word “us” shall never be defined by the last two years and nine months we’ve spent together. I do not rely on you anymore. I have grown independent ever since I went away. Years ago, the thought of you not by my side haunts me. Now, no one haunts me. I am invincible.

You do not live in me anymore. The thunder roars casually that I am not afraid to go alone outside. They say that we knew each other too well but all I ever knew was you. I lost track of what I was fighting for and you became the handbook of my happiness. Soon enough, there was nothing in me to give in return. My lungs were hollow like the cities that I’ve never been to, the alleys that are deep and dim, just like my lungs. Your air was never enough for me to breathe in and so I had every right to leave.

I do not love you anymore.The years counted were history and you and I were just a part of it to make everything a summation of a labyrinth that we try to escape. I make sure that you hear this quite well.

I do not love you anymore. I am as strong as I’ll ever be and as brave as the day I left you. I am never good at cutting paper but my cuts were clean on that day I left. I leave no crooked lines. You came into my life vibrantly like the summers passing by. I leave you completely undone. This poem will be the end of it.

you swept me out of my feet with words of kindness,

made me forget that i was deep into his cold smile,

because yours was better, brighter, and it warmed me up.

but you were also so good in making people fall

so how can i tell that you can’t hurt me at all?

i’m still scared

my walls are still placed up high.

I should have not.

There are so many things that I would like to tell you, but I’m never good at telling it in person.

I’ll scream all of it here. Right now.

I SHOULD HAVE NOT FALLEN FOR YOU

IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE, BECAUSE I FELT EXTREME HAPPINESS

AND I WAS THE PROBLEM TO THIS

I COULD HAVE STOPPED MY STOMACH FROM EATING THE BUTTERFLIES

NOW I FEEL PAIN BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE NOT FALLEN FOR YOUR SMILE

BUT GOD HOW CAN I NOT FALL FOR IT

YOU LOOK REALLY NICE AND I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING

I KNOW FROM THE BEGINNING THAT YOU SOULDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY

BUT I DON’T REALLY CARE

I STILL LIKE YOU

AND IT’S GOING TO KILL ME

BUT I REALLY DO.

11-27-14 // 8:17 PM

I’m not sure if you ever check this,

I know you never will,

But it’s 8 in the evening,

And I’ll tell you how I feel.

Hi. Perhaps you now know that someone likes you.

Perhaps you now know it’s someone very close to you.

I’ll spill it all out here, and you should know that it’s me.

It’s not the way you say hi,

Or the way you seem nice,

It’s the way you made me feel okay, just, and alright.

I’m sorry for falling,

I’m sorry for making things awkward,

It’s the fact that whatever I might say,

Can ruin things along the way.

I know you are smarter than this,

Because it’s one of the reasons why,

I know I’m just a wanna be poetic,

But I’m trying to tell you–

Please don’t make me avoid you,

Or try to block you away,

I’m scared of how you see me now,

I’m scared of whatever you think when you hear my name.

I won’t rush things out, I swear;

Because I fucked it up before,

I still want the way our smiles ignite the room,

And how we didn’t care who saw.

I don’t know if you’re overwhelmed, nervous, or unsure;

But please, hear me out,

For I care, dearly and so.